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The I Remembers

Monday, March 31, 2008

5:43AM - Why is this not bigger...

I remember hoping that I would become numb...like everyone else

I remember nothing anymore

Monday, November 7, 2005


i remember thinking i would never get out of the projects

i remember thinking i would never move from the farm

i remember loving being so easy and not complicated

i remember enjoying life to the extreme fullest

i remember rain

Current mood: stressed

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


I remember thinking the greatest thing in the world was sex.

Monday, October 3, 2005

1:09PM - I remember...

when I used to think that DC had a joint mayorship... "Mary and Barry."

when I didn't know where apostrophes went but was too embarassed to admit it. So I wrote "don't" and "can't" with the apostrophe about a mile above so no one could tell exactly where it was.

when I told my entire fourth grade class that the Spice Girls sucked and that they were stupid for not listening to Bach. I also distinctly remember not having any friends in fourth grade.

reading Steinbeck in the old crabapple tree in my backyard.

planting tomoato plants every year in the tiny plot of our garden my mom reserved for me and always having them die a week later.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


i remember when going on a date wasnt that serious

i remember when my mom first slapped me and then sad she was sorry

i remember sitting on the kitchen counter listening to kool and the gang

i remember every time my brother broke his head open... there were many

i remember moving in to the farm house from the projects

i remember sitting in the lilac trees and making my own haven

Current mood: as hell

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

11:22AM - i remember

how the first day of school the classrooms where technicolored but by the end of the year i knew where every spitball stuck, where each watermark stained the ceiling, each wad of gum hardened on the hallway wall

staring at an object so hard it glowed and wavered like the air over hot blacktop

trying to move a bottle of perfume for 30 minutes with my brain after reading Carrie

telling a girl on the playground that my legs grew together into a mermaid's tail when i got wet

a kitten i had that ran away and came back weeks later mangled, skinny, sickly and died in my arms the next day

crying at the breakfast table because my dream of going to prom with Kirk Cameron wasn't true

"hypnotizing" a girl at my slumber party with an earing on a string, and making her crow like a rooster

wanting to be welder after Flashdance

changing my name to Sabrina and refusing to answer anyone unless they sang the name in a certain way

saying the rosary each night over and over to get myself to sleep

"now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep, if i should die before i wake, i pray the lord my soul to take" and adding my amendment to the end; "and please don't let anyone hurt, scare, or kill me, anyone in my family, or anyone i love....thanks"

our parish priest stopping by once during catechism class who told us that every time we did something good the devil would get sick and go throw up behind a tree

purposely tripping a boy in first grade who proceeded to pick me up over his head and throw me into the coat closet


i remember thundercats, skinamarink (murdered that spelling), eurekas castle, and mr. rodgers neighborhood

i remember dumpster diving with my brothers in the back of jewel osco and taking things we'd never use like a sewing basket

i remember smells of every situation and experience and place I've been in

i remember not knowing that my grandfather was santa claus on chritmas eve

i remember finding out at his funeral that he was santa claus

i remember watching jerry springer when there was actually something to watch and things were new

i remember the episode were two kids (12 and 13 or 11) who had aids got married because they loved eachother and knew they didn't have much time left, their names were Hidea and Tyler

I remember not being as afraid as I am now

I remember always being a witch for halloween, except the one time I was a french maid

Current mood: calm

Thursday, September 1, 2005


i remember making the rule that i'd never fool around with another man's woman.
i remember the first married woman i fooled around with.

i remember breaking my father's cigarettes before throwing them in the trash.
i remember the first cigarette i smoked.

i remember being drug free.
i remember being able to remember most of a two year period of my life.

i remember being on the honor roll.
i remember watching all of my classmates graduate from the audience.

i remember being absolutely miserable.
i remember when life was pretty easy.

i remember when i made the decision to be happy, no matter what.

Current mood: peaceful

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


I remember when everything in my life was going so wrong, that I couldn't even feel.

Saturday, August 6, 2005

9:02PM - am i the only one here?

I remember everyone I've ever had a crush on or ever fell in love with

I remember thinking that there is a parallel universe so if I suffer here someone there will have it easier and better

I remember all the smells before school started each year

I remember wanting a nintendo... and then came sega

I remember reading the very first harry potter book

I remember crying so hard because I was so in love

I remember crying harder when I realized that I was not loved

I remember realizing that I am not alone in my thoughts because someone somewhere thinks the same thing

Current mood: anxious

Thursday, August 4, 2005

12:55AM - again ....

I remember finding out that one of my friends is dying.

I remember being homeless.

I remember being homeless twice.

I remember being so innocent when it comes to family problems and not knowing exactly what is going on but knowing something was happening.

I remember going to Sunbeams (poor version of girlscouts) and sleeping over night at the church.

I remember eating things that looked like eyeballs in headstart and believing they were alligator eyes.

Current mood: guilty

Saturday, July 30, 2005

2:34AM - So many times...

I remember not being filled with so many memories.

I remember being extremely humble/content/excited with everything.

I remember walking into new buildings or rooms and thinking about how huge they are.

I remember listening to a tape about how to keep bugs out of your house and loving every minute of it.

I remember the first time I had a crush on anyone, Aaron Saalssa.

I remember beating him at a lot of things and pissing him off.

I remember his dad coming to all of our outside gym activities to cheer him on and just watch him.

I remember finding out that his dad had a heart attack and had little time to live and that was why he did little things like coming to gym.

I remember him giving me a booger bookmark when he asked me out.

I remember not thinking that I liked the whole dating scene while going out with him.

Current mood: silly

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

12:11AM - First Rememories...

I remember... My mom's boyfriends... All of them...

I remember...everything about living on the farm

I remember... my great grandfather who lived in the projects down the street from us

I remember... when he died and me being crushed

I remember... crying for two years at least every night after he died

I remember... thinking that things are always better for everyone else

I remember... holding hands with the boy in the project beside ours, leaning out of the window holding hands

I remember...when people were people and never noticing racial differences

I remember... dancing and singing with my mother in the kitchen while she did dishes with the radio in the window so everyone outside could here

Current mood: anxious

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


I remember thinking I would never become this person.

Sunday, July 3, 2005

12:16AM - for my sister

i remember...

making you rub my back as payment for sleeping in my bed with me when you were scared of the dark

when you tried to shave your zits off

the day i got my first period and you told the cute boy in the drive through "my sister got her first period today"

finding my clothes in your drawers

running a magnet over your cassette tapes after you drew all over my shoes

singing Dione Warwick's "That's What Friends Are For" in the bathtub together

the last time you punched me in the stomach after i punched you in the nose

trying to put mascara on you

when you told mom i called her a bitch in my diary

sucking helium from the balloons at the Home Depot grand opening and singing "Found a Peanut"
and mom escorting us out of Home Depot by our hair after she'd been looking all over for us...and you, crying...the helium distorting your voice

choreographing dance moves in the bathroom mirror together to the Shoop Shoop Song

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


I remember on the lid of my brothers pencil box, he had written,


Soon after he started sharing a room with our step brother, I noticed the lid of his pencil box said;
BON JOVI IS #1 METALLICA IS #1! bon jovi is #2.

Current mood: chipper

Friday, April 29, 2005


I remember holding my breath at every graveyard, on the 2nd grade bus, and telling my friends they'd die if they didn't, too.

I remember talking to rock stars for hours by myself because I didn't have anyone else.

I remember doing karate moves in bathroom stalls.

I remember the first time I told my mom I hated her.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


I remember being too poor to own a nintendo or sega or even atari as a kid. So about once a year my brother and I were able to convince my mum to rent a nintendo from the video store for the weekend. At which point we would play for 3 days solid. Less than 4 hours sleep. Skipping meals. Causing myself to suffer from fireball exploding, turtle shell throwing nightmares. Getting blisters on my thumbs, and then just putting band-aids over them until my hands hurt too much to do anything.

I remember retraining myself to do involuntary acts such as blinking.

I remember teaching my mum how to pummel one eyed ghouls to death with a baseball bat in "monster party" (does anyone remember monster party?)

I remember my first addiction.

Current mood: blank

Thursday, April 14, 2005


i remember filling up my gas tank with $8.00.

Current mood: annoyed

Wednesday, April 13, 2005


I remember talking to the moon in a big field behind my house most weekends from age 10-16.

I remember rolling thin red peanut skins in phone book paper and smoking them with my friend one night because she said she heard you could get high from it.

I remember a reoccuring dream of the Incredible Hulk chasing me through my mom's daycare and ripping up the alphabet for effect.

I remember a girl who wore a double D in 8th grade and me being a little jealous at how the boys looked at her. She got pregnant by the end of the year and everyone blamed it on her boobs.

I remember sucking on my arm in class until I got a hickey and then telling my teacher, that I needed to call my mom and go home because I thought I had the measles.

I remember my favorite look in 4th grade was black styrup pants, white bo-bo keds, black suspenders, a huge pink silk button up shirt tucked in (which made the back of my pants all bunched up), and my hair soaking wet and combed back flat against my head like Deniro in Cape Fear.

I remember cornbread soaked in milk and cinnamon on baked sweet potatos.

I remember my mom singing KISS songs, but wrong..."I wanna rock and roll all night. And part of every day."

I remember a choir teacher picking me up by my jacket collar and yelling at me for chewing gum in class.

I remember trying to pretend it was funny and laugh nervously when the football players would sneak up behind me and hoist me above their heads to show eachother how strong they were.

I remember the Guess Nerd t-shirts, though no one else does.

I remember Brooke Sheilds in the Blue Lagoon.

Current mood: way on way back

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